I Pray the Lord My Soul to Take
by Katarina99
Summary: Sequel to If I Should Die Before I Wake: It's been five years and everything seems to have fallen apart, with one teammate dead and two missing K and N-Units are barely holding it together, suddenly getting one of them back would be a good thing...right?
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hey everyone! This takes place five years after _If I Should Die Before I Wake _and while you should be able to get through this one without reading the other I recommend you read them both.**

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><p>It was never completely dark in the middle of London and there were always an obscene amount of people walking home from dates, piling into and out of bars, or taking a midnight jog, which made covert operations rather difficult in the heart of the city.<p>

Wolf was sitting on top of a building looking through the scope of a sniper rifle and attempting in vain to keep a small bit of warmth in his hands. It had been a rather uneventful night of watching the agent he and his team were providing back up for socialize at an elite party in an attempt to root out some sort of enemy operative (it was decided that exactly what the mission was about was on a need to know basis and according to MI6 Wolf did not need to know).

The agent was new, only around twenty four years old, but he seemed good at his job- if Wolf hadn't been introduced to him five hours ago as Agent James Harrow he would have truly believed that he was the wealthy heir of an oil tycoon that he was pretending to be. Of course he wasn't quite as good as- he stopped himself before he could continue down that dangerous line of thought and stubbornly turned his full attention back to the agent's movements.

A server in a tuxedo approached the agent, and leaned close to him, whispering in his ear. Harrow turned pale and nodded slowly,walking into the room the server gestured towards- a room with absolutely no visibility from any of his team's vantage points_._

Wolf let out a muffled curse and lunged for his radio, "I can't see you dumb ass, get back in the open."

The radio crackled to life and a quiet voice answered, "No can do Wolf, I'm a little stuck."

There was a muffled voice in the background and what sounded like the safety of a gun being released and Wolf suddenly felt very uneasy, "Who's in there with you? Abort, you hear me? Abort now!"

"I-I don't think you want me to do that." The agent suddenly sounded nervous and Wolf's hands clenched tight around his weapon, he had only failed two protection details his entire career and he didn't intend for this to be the third.

"Why's that?"

There was rustling, then a click and Wolf realized with a rush of fury that Harrow's communicator had been found and removed.

"Hello Wolf."

His heart sank and he lost his grip on the rifle in his hands.

"Cub."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Hello hello! I've gotten a lot of positive response for this story which I'm really happy about you guys are awesome! I've gotten a couple of requests for a prequel to the series to kind of explain things that I left a bit unclear, anyone interested? It wouldn't be out until this story really got into swing- five or six chapters in at least- and would be called _Before I Lay Me Down to Sleep _(as per the theme). Anyway, I hope you like this chapter, I made it a little bit longer than last chapter's teaser, but it's still a bit short due to the story kind of building at the moment.**

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><p><em>Wolf's heart sank and he lost his grip on the rifle in his hands.<em>

_"Cub."_

"It's been a while hasn't it Wolf?"

He felt like screaming, this couldn't be happening, not now. "Three years."

"Yeah, sorry about not coming to visit or anything, I've been a little busy avoiding the compiled task force half the major nations of the world sent after me- kind of puts a damper on Christmas dinner with friends you know?"

"What are you doing here Cub?" Wolf snapped, he didn't have time for this, not with MI6 probably on the way and a possible hostage involved.

"Touchy as always. If you must know I had something that I needed to take care of, something that couldn't wait."

"What does that have to do with Harrow?"

"Is that his name? This has nothing to do with him, he was just in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with absolutely no skill at blending in. You should be thanking me, I just saved his life."

Wolf wondered absently how many times he would be able to shove his team mate's head into the wall before he was considered brain dead.

"Yeah well I might consider it after you _let him go_." He growled, trying to reign in his anger.

"Jesus Wolf, work on your observation skills, he's heading across the street towards- oh there we go Snake's got him- I thought it was best to point him that direction, he's pretty heavily drugged up."

_"_Drugged up_!_? Cub what-"

"Look, I don't have that long left, I was supposed to be out of here three and a half minutes ago but when I realized it was you I couldn't resist sticking around a little longer. Say hello to everyone for me and tell them-"

The radio crackled madly and he heard bursts of gunfire from across the street and a bit louder through the radio.

"Cub!"

It flared to life again but now it was filled with labored breathing, "I'm fine, it didn't hit anything major. Listen, I need you to tell them that I'm sorry."

Wolf's long dormant protective side for the younger man burst through with a passion, "Cub, stop this please, just leave your weapons wherever you are and come across the street, we can-"

"Put me in a cell? Keep me safe? Sorry Wolf but I've tried that and it didn't do it for me."

Wolf ran his hand over his face, "Is Ben with you at least?"

"Yeah, he'll want me to say hello for him."

There was another burst of gunfire and a sharp hiss of pain, "_Merde_!"

"Where are you? I'm coming over there-"

"Stay back! I'm fine, I'll be out in a few seconds then I'm ditching the radio, will you tell them?"

"Yes! Just get yourself someplace safe, preferably out of the country, this was stupid even by your standards."

"I know. One more thing?"

"Cub you need to go now!"

"This wasn't your fault. Bye Wolf."

The building across the street burst into flames and suddenly the air was filled with screams. Wolf cursed under his breath and bundled his equipment together, flying down the stairwell and running to his team's rendezvous point.

Snake looked him over in annoyance, barely supporting Harrow with Eagle's help, "Jesus Wolf, you were supposed to be here-"

"Cub says hello."

Snake's jaw dropped and he abruptly lost his grip on Harrow before swearing and snagging him out of the air before he could hit the ground.

"Explain. Now."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hey everyone! This one got posted a little faster because I suddenly had a breakthrough about what the heck was going on with this story, so updates are going to be a lot longer and coming a lot faster (cue clapping, yes thank you, thank you, you're too kind, I'd like to thank the academy). I love to hear from you guys so tell me what you liked, what you hated, and what's just plain confusing (sometimes things make way more sense in my head than when someone else is reading it, I'm working on that). Enjoy!**

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><p>Two days and multiple Wolf tantrums about his immense hatred of MI6 later, K-Unit was back at Wolf's apartment listlessly drinking beers and avoiding each other's eyes.<p>

"So he's back." Eagle said after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence.

Wolf nodded, for once looking all of his thirty one years, "Yeah."

"And he's not coming home?"

"I didn't get that impression, no."

Snake threw the bottle in his hands at a nearby wall and exploded out of his chair, "Why did he even bother coming back?"

Wolf stared at him in shock, "Snake-"

"No! I care about Cub, you know I do, but we can't keep on doing this! It's been three god-damn years Wolf, three years of worrying, of sitting by the phone, of exhausting every favor our contacts owe us and then some and I'm sick of it! There's a reason that spies don't get close to other people and this is it- we don't understand. We don't understand why this happened, we don't understand why he won't face up to it and we sure as hell don't understand why Viper got caught in the middle!"

Eagle muttered something unintelligable and started towards the door but Snake pulled him back in, hurling his unit mate around to face him.

"Yeah Eagle, you remember him? Viper, our team mate?" Snake snarled, looking angry beyond what either of them had ever seen him.

Wolf, however, was having none of it, "What do you want me to do Snake, they're our team mates too and they're in trouble!"

"They sure as hell haven't acted like team mates! Where were they when we buried Viper because of them?"

"Hiding from the people they should be able to trust as you should bloody well know-"

"Oh yeah? Those two couldn't between them find someway to get a message to us, explain things, tell us what the hell was going on, whether they were alive or dead?"

"Jesus Snake, bitter much?" Came a hoarse voice from behind them. They all whipped around in shock, standing in the doorway, pale and barely supported by an exhausted looking Ben was their youngest team mate. Snake's jaw dropped as he noticed the blood covering the two men, seeming to originate from four gunshot wounds to the younger man's chest, arm, and right leg.

Ben stepped towards Snake looking desperate, "I stopped the bloodflow at first but they keep reopening and I think one of them is getting infected- I did my best but I couldn't- I know I don't have the right to ask but please, please god help him."

"Calm down and tell me what happened." Snake said forcefully as he and Eagle stepped forward and eased Alex away from Ben and onto the table that Wolf had just swept off.

Ben seemed to relax as Snake took control, "He was twenty minutes late to our meeting point, I would have gone after him but it was all I could do to keep MI6 from figuring out we were in the country- I was hacking cameras at airports, ship yards, any and every entrance into the country so that they would at least have their hands full figuring out where exactly we were. I was just finishing up when the door bangs open and he tumbles in. I couldn't even find the bullet wounds at first he was covered in so much blood. He was halfway out so I couldn't ask him where he had been hit, he just kept alternating between saying nonsense about it being all his fault and begging people to forgive him. On the way over here he had a ten minute conversation with Viper before he snapped out of it when I moved him up the stairs."

Snake looked up from examining one of the bullet holes with a frown, "How feverish was he?"

"Ranged between 99 and too fucking hot. When he started screaming about people in the walls I decided I needed to get him to you."

Snake glared at him sharply, "That's when you decided? Not when he came in the door bleeding or when his temperature elevated over a hundred degrees? Damn it Ben, do you know how close he came to dying, how close he still is?"

"He is perfectly conscious and can hear you." Alex said in an amused but slightly weak tone.

Eagle hovered over him anxiously, "We've got pain killers around here somewhere do you need me to-"

Alex just shook his head, looking dazed and unfocused, "It only really hurts when I move right now, mainly it's just that I'm super dizzy and everything's floating and kind of blurry at the edges."

Snake swore, "Wolf get Owl on the line, I need help with this and I'm guessing we can't take him to a hospital, even under a fake name."

Both Ben and Alex looked panicked, "No! They'd be there in seconds and-"

"Cool it no one's going anywhere." Wolf said dryly, picking up the phone and dialing the other medic's number, tapping a bit forcefully on the table before someone picked up. "It's Wolf, how fast can you get here?" He looked up at Snake, "How's ten minutes?"

Alex drew a ragged breath as Snake washed out one of his wounds and his eyes unfocused regardless of Eagle and Ben's shaking and urging him to wake up. Snake glared in Wolf's direction before returning to his patient.

"Make it five." Wolf growled into the phone before hanging it up with a bang. "What do you need Snake?"

"More anniseptic, another roll of bandages, a scalpel, large tweezers and whatever prayers you think of." Snake said, looking at Wolf gravely, "It's going to take a miracle for him to pull through this."

Ben looked up at Snake exhaustedly, "We ran out of miracles three years ago, all we've got now is sheer dumb luck."

Snake winced as Alex let out another moan of pain, "That'll have to do. Wolf, supplies, now."

Wolf shot out the room, rummaging through Snake's room before growling in frustration and grabbing his whole bag and throwing it onto the kitchen floor, "Eagle, a little help?" The two of them made quick work of finding the supplies and Snake barely acknowledged their existence, carefully applying pressure to one of the wounds that had reopened at some point during the trip from their safehouse to Wolf's apartment.

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><p>Four minutes later someone banged on the door, Eagle and Wolf looked at each other and grabbed for their guns, heading towards the entryway. Wolf looked through the peephole and relaxed, "It's N-Unit." They reholstered their guns and Wolf flung open the door.<p>

"Wolf, what the hell is going on?" Falcon growled, glaring fiercely at Wolf. He had never gotten to exactly friendly terms with the man and the combination of the disappearance of their one shared element and his unit's behavior after had erased even the slightest respect he had for K-Unit's leader.

Wolf however either didn't notice or didn't care about Falcon's hostility, "Cub's here, he's been-"

They were pushing by him before he could even finish his sentence but before they could get all the way into the kitchen they froze and stared in mute horror at the scene that met them. Ben was holding down Alex who was now conscious but seemed delirous, he was tossing and fighting Ben's attempts to hold him still. The entire table was covered thickly in his blood and K-Unit's medic was desperately putting pressure on one of the wounds with a look of intense helplessness on his face.

Snake glanced up and looked visibly relieved to see Owl, gesturing with a blood covered gloved hand to wash up at the sink, "Thank god. I've gotten one wound sealed up and another cleaned out but I'm not sure how far the infection's spread and I can't get this one to stop bleeding."

Owl nodded wordlessly and took his place next to Snake after washing up, "Have you given him anything for the pain?"

Snake suddenly looked extremely frustrated, "He wouldn't take anything when he was aware earlier; now he'd choke on any consumable and break the needle off of anything we tried to to inject him with. The best we can hope for right now is that he passes out soon."

Lemur knelt next to Ben and helped him hold down his team mate's flailing limbs, wincing at the desperate moans of pain, "There isn't anything you can do?"

Snake shook his head looking agonized, "It's too dangerous to even try, it would be easier if we tied him down but I don't want to risk him really panicking and hurting himself worse."

Falcon rounded on Wolf, "How long was he here before you called?"

Wolf just continued to stare helplessly down at his team mate who was now perfectly still but had a look of intense pain on his face, "Five minutes tops, we would have called quicker but we were pretty focused on trying to keep him awake and stop the blood flow. We wouldn't have kept this from you."

Falcon nodded sharply, "I appreciate that. I don't know about you but I can't watch this anymore, care to help me guard the door?"

Wolf nodded silently and the two of them left the room locked in a temporary truce.

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><p>Two hours later Snake and Owl put down their equipment, looking beyond exhausted and liable to fall over any minute. Wolf and Falcon quietly re-entered the room, each of them grabbing their respective team mates and helped them into two of the three bedrooms before walking back into the kitchen where Alex lay on the table, pale but stable and resting.<p>

"He stopped struggling twenty minutes after you left." Lemur muttered, "They gave him as much to numb the pain as they could but we're pretty sure he could still feel it. Whenever they jostled him wrong he'd start making these awful-"

"Right." said Falcon, looking worn out and past the point of emotions, "Let's get him off this table and into a bed. Wolf, Lemur, could you-"

Ben slowly rose from his position on his knees, "Me, Lemur and Falcon will take him. I would have gone to them to begin with but I didn't know where they were and there was no time to find out. Thanks for helping but even if Alex is willing to forgive and forget I'm not yet. Good night."

Carefully the three men picked up the small figure draped across the table and carried him into the farthest room from the kitchen. The door shut firmly behind them, leaving Wolf and Eagle alone to their thoughts and their guilt.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hey everyone! Don't worry, you haven't missed anything with why everyone hates K-Unit (except Alex, but he's weird like that) I'm just keeping you in suspense for now. You'll find out in one or two chapters so hang in there! Enjoy!**

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><p>Alex felt like a train had hit him.<p>

Well, no actually that wasn't quite right, perhaps more like falling from a cliff or being dropped into a rather deep hole by overly muscular henchmen. As he attempted to sit up with a groan of pain he decided that he had way too much prior experience to compare his injuries to.

Without even needing to look he reached out a hand and shook the man he knew would be there, "Come on Ben, I'm thirsty and we have to move."

Ben shot up with a burst of adrenaline, looked around for a minute then relaxed, "We're good to stay here for a while, at least until you're able to walk without me having to carry you after a few steps, puberty made you _heavy_."

"Oi! It's all muscle mass I'll have you know!" Alex glared indignantly, reaching out the arm that wasn't wrapped in a sling to hit his friend with but he didn't get very far before a sudden dizziness overtook his vision and he fell back onto the pillows.

"Al are you-"

"Jesus Christ Ben, I'm fine, just get me some water." He said impatiently, he hated being injured and Ben's over protectiveness, while usually endearing and slightly annoying, was suddenly pushing on the boundaries of his patience. Ben just shot him a knowing but disapproving look and set out to find water leaving Alex feeling a bit guilty.

"Grumpy much Pan?" Came a groggy voice from Alex's other side and he jumped, whirling around in shock.

"Falcon?"

His team mate grinned at him tiredly, rubbing his eyes and stretching out his sore muscles while remaining firmly in the uncomfortable chair next to Alex's bed, "No, it's the Easter Bunny." He said dryly, eyeing his usually observant team mate in amusement.

Alex rolled his eyes, "Well forgive me Fearless Leader, I'm still a bit woozy from blood loss and we haven't exactly been joined at the hip for the last three years."

He regretted saying anything the moment the words came out of his mouth. The light hearted smile vanished from Falcon's face and he slumped minutely in the chair, "Sorry." he muttered, looking down at the floor.

Alex groaned, "Falcon it's not your fault, I was being stupid, I shouldn't have mentioned-"

Falcon snapped his head up, the signature Falcon glare burning in his eyes, "Stop talking right now if you know what's good for you Pan, why is it that you never have a problem with the fact that you almost die then suddenly the problem is _talking _about it?"

Alex was considering making a break for the door, once Falcon got on one of his tirades it was almost guaranteed that it would go on and on and on but he knew from experience that this was a small enough plan that his luck wouldn't cover it and that he was too dizzy to make it more than a few steps without passing out.

He settled for playing the guilt card, "Sorry, I don't try to it's just been so long since something was actually normal in my life and-"

Falcon scoffed, "Spare me Pan, I'm not that sentimental."

Alex laughed, "It was worth a shot wasn't it?"

Falcon shook his head fondly and looked his team mate over, "You don't look half bad for being on the run for three years- well minus the bullet wounds and all."

"Not that I don't completely agree about how good I look but I don't feel the same way for you Falcon, I'm sorry." Alex said with a completely straight face, looking at the older man with sorrow and a bit of sympathy.

He stared at his friend in confusion for a moment before shaking his head in annoyance, "I can't even bring myself to get angry at you, I'm so glad you're back. And you totally deserve my anger so this is completely unfair."

Alex shrugged, suddenly exhausted, "What can I say, I'm lovable. Where's Ben, I'm getting kind of-kind of-" he yawned hugely, suddenly looking like the fifteen year old he had been when they met.

Falcon fought off a grin, "I'm sure he'll be back with your water any second, you should rest, you've had a crazy couple of days."

"You call it crazy, I call it-Tuesday." he muttered as he sank back into the covers and blinked heavily. Falcon chuckled and pulled the blankets back over the younger man's body.

"Get some sleep Pan, I'll see you when you wake up."

Alex nodded, barely keeping his eyes open, "Kay, night."

Falcon sank back into his chair and closed his eyes, he never slept as well as when his whole team was present and accounted for and he was looking forward to his first night of non medicated deep sleep in five years.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I know, I suck, insert angry yelling about updates here, but I've been super busy with sports and school and such. I can't promise super regular updates for at least three weeks but I'll try. Enjoy!**

Gun shots, deafening, everywhere around him, no escape routes, he had checked three times already; he was well and truly trapped. An explosion shattered a few feet to his left and he hunched himself further into a protective ball, desperately trying to just wait out the storm, just wait for freedom, for pain, for death. There was blood everywhere, not his, that wouldn't be as frightening, there was someone, someone he needed to protect, someone-

"Alex!"

He was harshly dragged from his nightmare and sat bolt upright in the bed, his mouth open in a silent scream, cold sweat dripping down his face and onto his chest. He barely recognized the fact that there was an arm around his chest, trying to keep him still and another running through his hair in a hurried attempt at comfort. Everything was spinning, the adrenaline pumped through his system and his hands and chest shook his unsuppressible tremors as his body stretched itself almost to the breaking point against the strong arms, fighting for the freedom to run, to fight, to do anything but sit still.

"Alex, it's alright, you're safe, we're at Wolf's apartment remember?"

The shadows surely held assassins, enemies, and the fire escape just outside could easily be scaled by a proficiently trained operative. Somewhere in the back of his mind he registered muffled cursing from outside the door and a scramble to get inside the room but he blocked it out; anyone unprofessional enough to make that much noise poised no threat to him and his. Shake off captor, escape, _run_.

"Al, wake up, all the way, come on back now."

Most logical course of action; bring elbow up, strike nose, sweep legs out, incapacitate with chop to a pressure point. Initiate.

"Shit!"

Dive from bed in order to display unpredictability and give impression of disorientation, twirl into round house kick, threat number two neutralized.

"Eagle get out of here, he doesn't know what he's doing, I can talk him out of it if you just-"

Threat number three approaching from 4 o'clock in cooperation with threat four, snap arm back and catch target three around neck, cause threat four to hesitate, tighten hold around threat three until unconscious, push into threat four and deliver punch to jaw while threat is distracted. Threats are neutralized.

"Get the hell out of here! Alex, listen to me, this isn't you, calm down, breath for me, whatever you're seeing isn't real."

Threats five, six, and seven have exited immediate area at urging of threat one who should not be conscious-

"Alex!"

Threat one must be neutralized to ensure safety.

"Alexander Johnathon Rider!"

Alex blinked in confusion as Ben's voice cut through his panic. He shook his head as if trying to clear it and glanced around in confusion, Falcon, Eagle, and Snake were on the ground unconscious, Wolf, Lemur, and Owl were standing just outside the door staring at him in mute horror.

Alex turned to Ben for an explanation, noticing for the first time the blood flowing freely from his nose, running down dangerously close to his split lip while his friend looked back at him in exhaustion from behind what looked like the beginning of a black eye.

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><p>Ben watched with barely contained relief as awareness slowly flickered back into Alex's eyes; this wasn't the first time something like this had happened, not by a long shot, but this had probably been the worst. Not only had the younger man probably opened up his injuries again but they were usually alone when Alex faded into his own mind and gave in to the panic that Ben knew for a fact was always there, carefully contained and skillfully disguised. This honestly wouldn't have been as bad as previous episodes if his friend's god damn team mates hadn't been so insistent on "helping." What about get out had they not understood? Did he just have one of those faces that no body listens to?<p>

The worst part was that he couldn't even bring himself to be angry at Alex for his broken nose and pounding head ache, not when he was looking so lost and confused. The look on his friend's face simply made him melt (not that he would ever admit it, no matter how much Alex tried to hold over him). Just after waking up from one of his episodes he always looked so _young_, even younger than when they first met. The bewildered expression, the half closed eyelids, the ruffled hair; he looked more like a child who had just woken up from a long sleep than the trained and dangerous twenty-one year old spy that he was.

"Ben?"

Jesus Christ, even his voice sounded young, how was that even possible? Sure, Alex had never been the most adult men that Ben had ever known, seeming to be a perpetual seventeen, but this was just ridiculous.

"It's alright Al, you had a nightmare. Everything's fine, let's just get you back to bed alright?" He murmured gently, sliding one arm around his pseudo brother's hip and supporting him back towards the bed. It was almost surreal to have his usually so strong and independent friend lean on him, weak as a kitten, allowing himself to be led back to bed with no protest.

Alex mumbled something unintelligible as Ben tucked the covers over him, turning his head and staring at the older man pleadingly.

"What?"

"Stay. Please." he muttered, suddenly afraid of eye contact. Ben just smiled and pulled up his chair again.

"And just where in the world would I go you big idiot?"

The two grinned at each other like school boys before Alex gave in to his body's exhaustion and closed his eyes, falling into a deep and peaceful sleep. Ben arranged the covers around him a bit more and brushed the hair out of his eyes with a fond smile before turning to face his still shocked team mates.

Wolf finally found the words that all of them were thinking, "What in the bloody _hell_ was that?"


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Finals are coming up...BUT THAT MEANS SCHOOLS ALMOST DONE!WHHHOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO! Anyways, back to business... Read, review, enjoy, don't do drugs, drugs are bad, stay in school, clean behind your ears. Yeah. I'm pretty hyper right now if you hadn't noticed.**

Ben sighed, surveying his team mates (and N-Unit) from his seat next to Alex's bed, well Wolf's bed technically, but Alex had taken it over and was currently sound asleep in it.

"I don't know."

There was silence for a moment. "What do you mean you don't know?" Falcon ground out furiously, looking like it was taking all of his strength not to throttle the former spy.

Ben ran a hand through his hair in an oft repeated sign of extreme stress, "I don't know. I thought it was PTSD for a while but it doesn't have the same symptoms and he never remembers any of his incidents after he wakes up. After that I thought it was night terrors but he's had those as well and this is different, it's like he's awake and aware of what's going on around him but it's not him; did you see that look in his eye? That's not Alex. That's not mission Alex, that's not relaxed Alex, and that's not protective Alex, I don't know what the hell that is or even if it's human-"

Wolf rolled his eyes, "You're fucking kidding me right? You don't honestly think the kid's possessed or something do you?"

Ben glared, "No! I mean like...I've seen that look in people's eyes before, the kind of people me and Al take down. I'm not saying it's a ghost or a demon or whatever but it's certainly not human."

They all sat there digesting this, the two medics muttering to each other rapidly, comparing every kind of battlefield trauma they had ever seen trying to find something that matched up with their team mate's symptoms.

"Are you saying he's...going crazy?" Lemur asked in a subdued sort of tone, looking suddenly very concerned for his younger unit mate. Ben shook his head slowly in a worn out, defeated kind of way.

"I honestly don't know. I don't think so, well, I don't _want _to think so, but I'm looking at anything that could be causing it at this point. I've seen a lot of things, I've seen men go mad from thirst in the middle of a desert, I've seen people go from smiling and happy to vicious, merciless killers in an instant but this is different...this is something new."

"What's new?"

Everyone jumped and swung around to face Alex who was awake and looking alert and relaxed. He looked around at them, waiting for an answer but receiving none. Suddenly his face drooped and his cheeks lost several shades of color, he turned towards Ben.

"It happened again didn't it?"

Ben held his gaze and slowly nodded. Alex groaned and cursed softly under his breath, slumping back against his pillows and staring up at the ceiling in abstract anger, "It's never going to stop is it?"

"Al-"

"No! Don't lie to me! I don't know what this is, I don't even remember it after it happens, you have no idea what it is, I've lost count of the number of-" he broke off for a moment and looked shiftily at his unit mates, "specialists that we've seen and they've got nothing either! They've got access to equipment that MI6 can't get their hands on and they don't know what's going on! This has been happening for almost a year and I'm sick of it, I mean Jesus it might be better to just-"

He cut himself off abruptly and looked away, reminding Falcon with a pang that there a conversation he had never had with his youngest team mate that suddenly didn't look so alright to skip.

"Don't even think about going there Alexander J-"

This seemed to be more than Alex could take, he burst from the bed, his expression bordering on apocalyptic, "I'm not a child Ben, I haven't even known the definition of the word for years, you don't get to scold me like I'm one! There are some things you don't have control over, things you will _never _have control over and this is one of them. _I _get to choose whether this continues or not; it's the only thing left in my life that I have any god damn control over."

With that he stormed from the room, grabbing a dark colored coat from a chair as he left, slamming the door behind him.

Ben leapt to his feet and chased after him but returned a few minutes later, out of breath and miserable, "He's gone. I can only ever catch him when he wants me to- and he certainly doesn't want me to right now."

Owl was looking incredibly concerned, "He's going to open up his wounds again, he can't be running around out there right after he's been shot!"

Ben just chuckled mirthlessly, "When you know Alex as long as I have you kind of get used to the fact that he does what he wants, logic and laws of the universe be damned."

Eagle looked out the window for a minute as if expecting to see him sitting on the opposite rooftop pouting as he had several times while they had all been living together but it soon became evident that Alex wouldn't be reappearing any time soon.

"Right, let's get some sleep then, he'll turn up eventually." Decided Snake who sounded beyond exhausted, "Does anyone remember the last time they had a decent sleep when Alex was around?"

K-Unit shook their heads but N-Unit just looked confused, "We never sleep great unless he's around- none of us do when someone's missing." Lemur said, looking at them as if they should know this already.

"You're serious?" Wolf asked incredulously, his unit mates always made it impossible for him to get a full night of sleep what with arguing, snoring and random encounters with M16.

"Yeah, we kind of assumed that was just a unit thing, that's why we all share an apartment, we don't even sleep great at our parents' houses." Falcon explained, looking a bit uncomfortable.

Ben just sighed and shook his head, "We can talk about this later, right now I need sleep, I've barely closed my eyes in three days and everything's starting to blur."

They all murmured their assent before crawling into beds, sleeping bags, couches, cots and whatever else could be found in an apartment made to accommodate three people at the max. Slowly they all found sleep, drifting off into the safety of their own minds while somewhere outside, Alex Rider stalked through the streets of London alone, slowly losing his.

**AN: Oh dear, that doesn't sound very good, does it?**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: It's more dialogue than anything but I hope you like it! Oh and this guy is an OC, one you'll be hearing from very soon in my new story coming out very soon. That's right, I wrote it! It's called "Before I Lay Me Down to Sleep" and is a prequel to this jumble. Enjoy!**

"You have five minutes."

He would be in and out in three.

"All weapons are to be left at the check in desk and will be returned upon exit of facility."

It would be such a pity to lose those three knives and two guns that he didn't keep as well hidden but his favorites weren't going to be parting with him any time soon.

"The prisoner is not to be talked to about the events of October 28th 2009 as they have been deemed classified."

Classified. He had practically invented the word, there was quite probably a picture of him in the dictionary next to it.

"Any and all violence against the prisoner will be dealt with harshly and swiftly."

Just what did they qualify as "violence" here? In some countries it would barely be considered rude to blacken the man's eye and slightly crush his trachea.

"We're going to let you in momentarily, just a few last minute security checks."

Andrew David Roberts, age 25, employed on a consultant basis by the CIA had a mostly clean record. That should make things go a bit quicker.

"Alright then Mr. Roberts, seems that everything's in order then, go on in, just hit the intercom on the left side of the door when you're ready to leave."

Intercoms, doors. Please. Explosives and sprinting very quickly were much more interesting .

"Good luck sir, he doesn't often talk unless to inform us exactly what's wrong with his accommodations, closes up tighter than a clam, that one."

Well it seems you haven't been asking correctly then.

* * *

><p>The door closed with a click behind him, the only evidence of the multiple magnetic locks sealing the two men in the room together.<p>

"Ah, I was wondering when you would come to visit me." The man seemed unreasonably calm for someone who had been stuck in a maximum security cell for the last seven years with minimal human contact.

"Figured I'd give you a little time to settle in. Love what you've done to the place. Sterile white. Very classy."

"I do try. One of my neighbors tried to paint his quarters red a few days ago, I'm told. Can't imagine it looked very tasteful." It was something between comforting and disturbing that he could still fall into easy banter while handcuffed to a chair and staring down the person who hated him more than anyone else still living.

"So what have you been doing? Written that novel you were talking about yet? I would be incredibly interested to read it; peak into the inner workings of a mad man and all."

"As much as I'm enjoying the talk I can't imagine this is a social visit Mr...what was it again? You have so many names, it's tiresome remembering them all. Ah well, it doesn't matter too much anymore does it? Go ahead. Ask me."

The man stared back, brown eyes cutting through him sharply, "What the fuck did you do to my head?"

The prisoner merely chuckled in response, "We were together for quite some time, I did many things to your head. Care to clarify which time you're talking about?"

The blond man stepped forward, anger tightening his muscles almost to the breaking point, "You know what I'm talking about! What did you do? Why is this happening?"

"Because you want it to."

He stopped mid stride, "Sorry what? You think I want to go bat shit fucking insane? Because if you do then I might as well just leave now because I'm wasting my time, you've already lost it."

"You want revenge. But you're too _good _for that, aren't you? Too good to defend yourself, too good to really enjoy the pain of the people who ruined your life from the moment you came into the world. But he's not."

The man had a very bad feeling about this, "He?"

"Oh you really hadn't figured it out? I thought you were better than that. He's a separate entity, we've been working on him for quite a while. Basically he feeds off of your deepest desires and works to make them happen. Don't look so alarmed, he doesn't want to kill you. In fact, lately he's been trying to defend you hasn't he? You're holding him back quite effectively but that can't last forever, his reason to exist is to protect you, so that's what he'll do."

"You're saying you put...a person...in my head?"

"Oh nothing so crude, we fashioned him after yourself. He's you except _better. _He's what you could have been had you been led down a different road. Had you been trained instead of forced into this world early and he's- very much like you in this aspect- very protective of those he cares for. He cares for you, so he'll work to keep you safe and secure. Is that so bad?"

"If you put this thing in my head then yes. Yes it is. You hate me and I hate you, you have no reason to protect me. So I'll ask again, _what is it doing in my head_?"

"You see, eventually you will put yourself in simply too much danger, that's just your nature. Have you noticed that the more you're in danger, the closer he comes to getting out of your tight control? And now more than ever the nations of the world close in on you, enemies around every corner, assassins on every high rise. Tell me, what happens when his need to protect just grows...too strong?"

The man paled dramatically and stumbled backwards, "You wouldn't."

"And although it's very much like you, has all your knowledge, it hasn't experienced the world, it's brand new, tucked away in the corner of your mind waiting to be born. Who will raise it I wonder? To whom will it's loyalties lie?"

"You're sick! You're twisted, sick, insane-"

"Yes, yes I've heard it all before. But do you know what else I am? I'm the victor."

All plans of fast, dramatic, bloody exits blew from the man's mind as he slammed the intercom button and the door opened ahead of him.

Behind him he could hear a full, deep laugh of amusement, "Run Alex Rider. Run as far and as fast as your legs can take you! Run to the very corner of the world...but you can't hide from the monsters in your own mind!"


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Sorry about the last chapter, that was _really _confusing wasn't it? I promise this isn't sci-fi, paranormal, or anything unnatural nor will it turn into that at any point (even though I love those genres to pieces). This is a medical procedure that I think might actually work (I'm not a brain surgeon) once there's a bit more knowledge about the brain. It all (well almost all, because what's the fun in making it easy for you?) gets explained this chapter. To my amazing reviewers- you're awesome and I love you guys! Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Falcon woke up to his youngest team mate sitting at the side of his bed staring at him.<p>

The rest of N-Unit woke to a "manly cry of alarm" and the large thump caused by Falcon scrambling backwards off his bed. Falcon was not impressed but kept his annoyance down to only a couple of glares when Panther motioned for them to be quiet.

"Walk with me?" He murmured, gesturing towards the door.

After a few minutes of rummaging for coats and muffled cursing N-Unit was out the door and on the move, automatically copying their team mate's quick, light movements and converging around him, none of them had forgotten that only two days ago he had been lying on a kitchen table bleeding out while they watched helpless. Panther allowed them form a protective barrier around him, he would have done the same if it was one of them that had been hurt.

Falcon, as always had ended up on Panther's left side, bumping him carefully with his shoulder, "You sure you're good to be moving around? Cause as much as I love you I draw the line at carrying you all over the city just because you and Tweedle Dum had a domestic."

Panther shot him a scathing look, "Tweedle Dum?"

The man shrugged unrepentantly, "Don't act like it doesn't fit. Honestly though Pan, are you sure you're okay?"

"The gunshot wounds are fine, they barely reopened earlier and I stitched them back up," Owl let out a quiet noise of distress, "I feel fine. We need to talk though, and we need to go somewhere were Ben and K-Unit aren't listening."

"Trouble in paradise?" Lemur asked with a grin, tucking his hands a little further into his pockets, trying to guard against the cold London air.

Panther shot him a look, "Yes Lemur, trouble in paradise. Because my idea of paradise is fleeing from a combined task force designed just for little old me and dodging bullets all over the world with an over protective older brother tagging along and not letting me do anything to fix it because, and I quote, 'It's too dangerous.' I'm sick of it. I'm ending this then I'm going back to base with all of you and ditching Alex Rider for good."

Owl nodded agreeably, "Alex Rider does seem to have a lot more trouble than Panther did which is seriously saying something."

"Why do you think I left in the first place? Look, I've got a safe house about two blocks from here, Lemur, I need you to run camera interference and Falcon, I need you and Owl spotting for me; I'm about to do something really dangerous and really, really dumb."

His team mates looked at each other uneasily, if Panther was calling something dangerous then something was seriously wrong.

"Pan...do we even want to know?" Falcon asked finally, fixing his team mate with a worried stare.

Panther just grinned back, "Boys, how do you feel about breaking into MI6?"

* * *

><p>There was several beats of silence, then, "Are you out of your fucking mind?"<p>

Panther shrugged, "That's one of the things I need to talk to you about, just wait a few minutes, we're almost there."

"Almost where?" Owl asked, sounding a bit exasperated, he considered it to be his job to protect his team mates from their own stupidity but they really did make it difficult for him sometimes, disappearing for ages, walking around with serious wounds, trying to break into one of the most protected facilities in the world; he had long ago given up the idea of keeping them out of unnecessary danger but this was getting a bit ridiculous.

"One of my safe houses, I've got a couple that Ben doesn't know about and if Ben doesn't know then he and K-Unit aren't going to come charging in and ruin everything."

"You're still pissed at K-Unit then?" Lemur asked in confusion, "I thought you had forgiven them what with the going to them when you were injured." There was a small, almost undetectable note of hurt in his voice, he was alright with Panther having another unit but for him to trust the others more than them stung more than a little.

Panther looked at him incredulously, "You think I was going to compromise you like that? If MI6 had found out where I was you all would have been dishonorably discharged and locked up in the best case scenario. I didn't even plan on contacting you until I was healed and ready to move at a moment's notice. I honestly didn't think it was that bad, but Ben doesn't know how to do even basic first aid, which is the most idiotic thing possible to not know in our profession, I wasn't involving you because I didn't want to risk you getting caught in the middle. This is the most dangerous mission I've ever done, I'm scared out of my mind just thinking about it. If I screw this up, if I make even the smallest mistake millions of people will die and if I survive the chaos of that there will probably be thousands more dead. I really am sorry for asking, but will you help me? I'll understand if you don't want to, I'm only doing it because I don't have any choice-"

"And we do?" Falcon asked, looking at him in a kind of exasperated amusement.

"What?"

"You're our brother Pan and you're in trouble, I don't know if you remember but six years ago we promised to protect each other. None of us are even thinking about going back on that."

Panther looked away from them for a moment, eyes suspiciously wet, "Thanks." He muttered in a quiet voice, "I'm not good at big emotional speeches like you Falcon-"

"Hey!"

"But I really do appreciate it. You guys are my family, and I'm glad you're the ones going in with me on this one. Now let's change the topic, this is feeling like a really bad chick flick."

The others nodded in agreement, suddenly very interested in anything except each other. After another mile or so Panther motioned them towards a small alleyway which they quickly ducked into. As they tried to fade into the shadows as seamlessly as their youngest team mate had (and failed miserably at it) Panther got to work pushing a couple of garbage cans a few feet to the right. As soon as they were pushed aside to his satisfaction he looked at the brick wall they had hidden in absolute concentration and began to count up the wall.

"One, two, three..." He muttered under his breath while his unit mates looked at one another in awe.

"Is he for real?" Lemur gasped, absolute delight shining through his eyes; ever since they found out that Panther was a spy they had been trying to compare what he did to all the spy movies they had seen throughout the years. They had been suitably impressed by his gadgets and the few mission stories they badgered out of him but they had yet to see any other correlations, such as behavior around girls or a secret hide out and suddenly here they were, about to enter what was sure to be the coolest safe house they had ever seen.

Panther turned around and gave them a withering look, "How stupid do I look? If it took that much concentration to get into a safe house what would I do if I was in a hurry? Idiots." Before they could protest he walked briskly towards a side door and grabbed the handle, simply opening it up without even putting a key in the lock, "After you." He said with a smirk, ushering them in with a flourish of his hand.

Whatever disappointment had come over them when he had debunked the impressive door theory instantly evaporated as the lights turned on around the room.

"Pan," Owl breathed, turning a full circle in place, determined not to miss anything, "This is awesome."

Panther grinned and placed his hand on the inside handle and they all jumped at the large metallic clang, "Nothing short of a wrecking ball could get through here, fourteen inches of reinforced steel, cameras running facial recognition software around the entire building, fingerprint and pulse sensitive door handles that lock and unlock automatically at my touch and if anything does more than scratches the buildings paint an automatic distress call goes out to whichever one of my allies is close enough to receive the call." He suddenly looked rather contemplative, "Although at the moment that term applies to you three, Ben, K-Unit, two contacts inside of MI6, and various assassins I met through Yassen or Scorpia."

All of them decided to ignore the comment about how friendless and dangerous their unit mate was and focus on the room they were in instead.

There were bunk beds pushed tightly against two of the walls, seemingly to create more space for the ridiculous amount of weapons lining the other walls. Literally every type of gun or knife they had ever seen plus a few they hadn't were placed carefully in racks, looking well taken care of if not a little dusty.

"This is my weapons area, all my hideaways have weapons, but this is the only one that has this scale of weaponry, some of them are just normal safe houses, I've got one or two that are chock full of computers or first aid but I thought this one would be good to have. They're not all mine of course, I inherited the building from Yassen, made a couple adjustments to the security, and as I said, I do have assassin friends. They put some of their stuff in here when they're in the country occasionally and I always find a birthday present wherever I am that usually looks a little bit like the stuff in here. You know, just so you don't think I'm some sort of crazy gun freak or-"

"Pan?" Falcon said, still staring in shock at the sheer number of the things all over the room.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up, this is brilliant."

Owl tore his gaze away from the walls to glare at Panther, "You tore open your stitches!"

He raised his eyebrows, "You just now reacted to that? And I told you, I stitched it up, it's all fine!"

"Well I wasn't going to start screaming at you in the middle of the street when MI-bloody-6 is after you was I? Shirt off, I want a look."

Lemur smirked at Falcon and Owl elbowed him in the stomach without even turning around, "Shut up you!"

"Think we know each other a bit too well?" Lemur wheezed up at his unit leader, grin still evident even from his bent over position.

Falcon rolled his eyes and ignored him, "Pan you said you needed to talk to us, what's going on?"

"Other than his apparent need to break into MI6 headquarters while injured?" Owl growled, prodding one of the wounds in annoyance and paying no heed to his team mate's wince of pain.

"I have a feeling that's going to tie in somewhere." Falcon stated calmly, well used to solving arguments within the team before they had a chance to even happen. "Come on then, spill."

Panther nodded, keeping a wary eye on Owl who was still scowling at the wound on his shoulder, "I guess it started six years ago, just before I met you lot. I was on a mission in Rome...now that I think about it, Italy is just horrible luck for me isn't it? I should probably consider not going there any more, cause there was the thing with Scorpia, then the Padua incident, followed closely by the Cagliara mess, then getting captured in Rome-"

"Pan!" Lemur groaned, throwing himself onto one of the bottom bunks, sensing one of Panther's notoriously long stories.

"Right. Sorry. Anyway, I got myself captured in Rome and spent the next couple of months getting the snot beat out of me-"

He looked up and noticed his team mates murderous looks and decided to speed the story up a bit, "Anyway, one day I woke up in this super sterilized room, which was weird cause I had been in filthy basements, stuffed in back rooms, chained to walls, you name an unsanitary position and I was probably in it at some point. This guy came in with a surgical mask on and started talking into some sort of recorder device about test one and checking the restraints that kept me down on the table. Now usually I would be a lot more freaked out about this but I was drugged up to my eyeballs and hadn't eaten in days. So he takes this syringe off the table next to him and injects me with it, I'm out like a light and next thing I now I'm back in my cell thing with a couple bandages round my head but not really the worse for wear. I didn't think much of it, all the crazy things they had been doing to me, strapping me to a table and injecting me with a questionable substance was the least of my worries."

Owl looked up from his inspection skeptically, "And you completely ignored the bandages?"

Panther sighed and closed his eyes, looking lost in memory for a moment, "They cleaned me up occasionally so that I wouldn't bleed out, I had been in there for weeks, it honestly wasn't anything new." He replied quietly, pushing his team mate away and putting his shirt and jacket back on with clipped, rushed movements.

"Pan, it's okay."Lemur said, looking worriedly at his younger team mate who had perched himself up on the top of the other bunk and was staring wordlessly at the wall.

He shook himself and managed a small smile, "Thanks. It happened again over the next couple of weeks and about three weeks before I 'died' I woke up with my head shaved and a rather large cut stitched up and half healed on the top of my head, like I had been out for days instead of hours. They had done worse as I said, so I didn't even think about it again until last night when I had another one of those episodes."

"Yeah, what was that by the way?" Lemur asked, sitting up a little straighter.

Panther rolled his eyes, "If you would let me finish you might find out. '6 caught most of the people involved in my kidnapping over the last five years and one of them was in a maximum security prison nearby-"

"A max sec prison near London? Come on Pan, get real, I think we'd know about something like that." Falcon said with a grin, which faltered as Panther kept his serious expression.

"There's a lot of things you don't know about right under your noses. This is one of them. Anyway, I paid him a little visit, turns out what he was doing was essentially hacking into my brain and rewiring a piece of it into a new persona. A bit like Multi Personality Disorder only since it's only happened when I've been asleep it's practically undiagnosable. I had heard about experiments being done in implanting personalities but what's going on with me was so similar to PTSD that I didn't even think about it."

His team mates were staring at him in undisguised horror, Lemur was the first to recover, "So basically you've got...two people in your head?"

Panther shook his head, "Two versions of me, a young, influential version that has all my practical knowledge but none of what makes me, well me, except for the protective nature, and the actual me, Alex Rider, Ian Johnson, Cub, Panther."

Owl suppressed a grin, "It would be you wouldn't it? I swear, only you could manage to get another bloody personality shoved into your head!"

"I know." Panther said coldly, staring up at the ceiling for a few moments, leaving Owl feeling a bit guilty for laughing, no matter how involuntary it had been. Finally the twenty one year old snapped himself back into reality, "Sorry, get lost in thought sometimes. Lemur, I'm going to need you on top of your game for this, you're going to be running MI6 around London for five hours with every camera you can hack into-"

"Pan, come on, who do you think you're talking to here? They haven't made a camera I can't hack." Lemur boasted with a grin, somehow managing to look even smugger when none of his team mates refuted this.

"Falcon, Owl, I need people I can trust watching my 6-"

"You know, you should either stop using 6 o'clock or stop shortening MI6 to 6, it gets pretty confusing."

"Just take it in context Lemur, it isn't difficult!"

"Well honestly, no need to get snippy."

"Anyway, I'm going to have some friends running physical interference for me as well, you'll meet them tomorrow. No use going in without any sleep. I'm going to go sleep in my one of my own beds for the first time in over three years. Don't touch anything, don't yell at each other, and don't wake me up for anything short of the apocalypse, got it?" Without even waiting for an answer he lightly swung himself off of the bunk and pushed what had before looked like a solid wall, but was evidently a door. The rest of his unit was too exhausted to even think about anything but the rather comfortable bunk beds.

Quickly and quietly they all fell into a deep sleep, not noticing when the door swung open a few hours later to admit a put together looking man in a loose fitting black coat. Had they been awake and had they known what to look for they would have noticed several knives cleverly concealed within the coat's folds. However, they were not awake to notice any of this, nor did they see him open up the door to Panther's room, smile fondly and lightly shut it behind him. They did not stir an inch as he inspected them critically and turned away, rolling his eyes lightly and rummaging through his coat pockets for a neatly wrapped present which he placed on the desk just across from Panther's door. But before long, the late hour and the long journey he had taken proved to be too much for the man and he pushed aside his dignity for just this one night and folded himself into one of the bottom bunks, pulling a thick blanket over himself and silently cursing the cold of a London autumn. And if the graceful, deadly assassin fell asleep soundly in a building full of soldiers and a spy, he could at least console himself that he was helping his best friend.


End file.
